Welcome to TRUMP’S FEVER DREAM, my dark sci-fi parody about a dark future, perhaps coming into alternate reality due the “too painful to watch” daily show of Trump’s inability to lead during the coronavirus crisis.
When we last left a feverish President Trump it was May 2022, and he was just dumped buck naked in the thorny bushes of the Rose Garden by the giant time-traveling cosmic butterfly of truth.
CHAPTER 2 – THE WHITE HOSPITAL
Meanwhile, one timeline away …
Trump’s former African American personal attendant, Robert, dressed in a hospital gown and mask, helps a badly scratched and quite naked Trump from the rose bushes to his shaky feet. Robert says,”Whoa. Last time I saw you, I rushed out your bedroom to get the doc.”
“Yeah, I know. That just happened,” says Trump crouching behind a bush.
“No. You been gone a whole two whole years!”
“Two years!?” shouts Trump.
“And why are you naked as a Jay bird on the 4th of July?” says Robert.
Too distracted to answer, Trump notices every window in the White House is brightly lit and wonders, “Damned if I know. Took a ride on a fucking giant liberal butterfly.”
All Robert can manage to say is, “Liberal butterflies? Yep, you’re former President Trump alright.”
Trump points to the glowing presidential windows, “Why the hell are all the lights on in White House?”
“Put on this spare mask and gown on and lemme show you,” says Robert handing Trump both.
“The virus is fake news. Don’t need a mask but I will take a fucking gown!” shouts Trump, drawing attention from a masked security guard.
“Sorry. President Schwarzenegger’s executive order of May 7, 2020 makes wearing of gowns and masks law,” offers Robert grimly.
“President Schwarzenegger?!” shouts Trump.
The masked White House security, pulling out his pistol. Trump quickly struggles to gown up as he says, “Why isn’t Mike president? He die of Covid?”
“Pence ain’t dead yet… but he’s eatin’ himself there.”
“Eating?” says Trump.
“Pence took over your brand of eatin’ all American fast food. But that shit got way outta control. Last report, Pence’s gained 130 pounds since he was ousted from the presidency.”
Trump laughs wickedly and says,”Ousted how?
“Senate unanimously voted to impeach him for slipping ventilators to all his PAC backers. Mikey, never even made it to the elections. Your yes man was lost after you vanished.”
“What happened to Biden?”
“Gone with the Covid. Sweet guy. Don’t think he’d have been much of president in any case.”
“He was in the Ukrainians and China’s pocket. America’s better off Biden’s dead,” says Trump.
“They cremated old Joe. Conspiracy theories abound Joe’s still alive and hiding out in Antarctica on a UFO base,” says Robert.
“Hmm. Sounds like the Dems caught onto how much people love conspiracy theories.”
“And Bernie?” says Trump.
“Virus killed old Bernie same day as Moscow Mitch. But not before he gave his spot to Schwarzenegger. Then Arnold ran for reelection and won biggly, as you used to like to say, sir,” says Robert.
“Who’d Schwarzenegger run against ?” says Trump in angry wonder.
“Jared. Epic landslide.”
“Surprise!” says Trump dryly. “So who’s the Veep?”
“Your old pal Chris Christie”
“What a fuck fest. But Arnold isn’t American born. How’d he get around that?” says Trump.
“The GOP Senate, they changed them laws– ” says Robert, trying not to show his happiness.
The gowned and masked Trump stomps for the White House, “Enough. I am gonna tell Schwarzenegger face to face to get the fuck out of my oval office.”
“America’s hero, um, President Schwarzenegger, he don’t work from here no more.”
Trump stops dead in his tracks and spins to ask, “What? Why?!”
“President Schwarzenegger, you see, he made this here White House into a coronavirus hospital.”
“The White House a hospital?” says Trump.
“Arnold renamed it the White Hospital now. I still work here. Trained nurse now on the front line,” says Robert proudly.
“Two years and none of the vaccines I was ramming through on Operation Warp Speed didn’t get made?”
“Oh they got made all right. Life even started getting back to normal in the summer of 2021. The mutations struck, says Robert sadly.
“Mutations?” says Trump.
“Florida. That fucker DeSantis tried to out Trump you. No masking. No vaxxing. Now, America’s still on it’s ass thanks to the DeSantis Variant.”
“How many dead?” says Trump.
“I gave up checking when the death toll hit 3 mil. Too numb to keep up anymore” says Robert sadly. “And damned if the DeSantis Variant don’t love killing the young. Tragic. At least the Covid-Original like bumping off old people who had lived a full life. Wanna hear the kicker though?”
“Unlike Covid-Orginal the DeSantis variant like killing 3 times more whites than blacks. Some say it’s God’s way of –“
“Fuck all this. Where do I find Schwarzenegger?” demands Trump.
“Ain’t gonna like what I gotta say on that, sir,” says Robert kicking at the poorly mowed White House lawn.
“Stop fucking around and give me the dope on where the guy who ruined the Apprentice is!” says Trump grabbing Robert by his hospital gown.
“President Schwarzenegger, you see, he works from the repossessed Trump Tower,” says Robert sheepishly.
Trump fumes until he spews, “Fuck me!”
“After all the lawsuits after your — ahem — handling of the virus, well, it was your baby Ivanka’s only option to pay the bills, sellin’ the Tower,” says Robert warily.
“Besides that shit. How’s Ivanka?!” says Trump.
“Holed up at Mar-A-Lago with Jared and your boy Baron. Runnin’ what’s shreds are left of your empire after the IRS seized most your assets.” says Robert taking a long drag on his cigar.
“Ivanka and Jared are with Baron, good. Where’s, Melania?”
“Brace yourself… ,” says Robert hanging his head. “You’re widower now, sir. Poor Meliania passed of the DeSantis Variant October 19th 2020.”
“Cool, cool. OK. Single man again. I mean that’s terrible! What about my two sons, Eric and Don Jr? How are they”
“Don Jr’s been in an out of rehab like a revolving door. Kinda lost track of him.” says Robert gently.
“And my idiot son?” asks Trump.
“The DeSantis Variant?” puzzles Trump.
“Eric, well, passed to the great beyond just last week. But not of the virus.”
“You really wanna know, sir?”
“Is a Republican as dumb as dirt?” says Trump, masking up.
“Video of Eric’s death went viral. You sure?” says Robert pulling out cell phone.
Robert scrolls and hits play on YouTube.
The African plains glow in the sunset. Eric and a rugged African hunting guide, Akua, sneak through the brush on their bellies. “I wish my dad had live to see me bag the last rhino on earth!” says Eric. Akua motions Eric to be quite, putting a finger to his lips.
“Huh?” says Eric loudly.
A male rhino charges for Eric.
Akua shouts, “Run! Run for the Land Rover, you great white idiot!”
Eric defies Akua and takes careful aim at the charging rhino. BANG! A perfect shot the rhino crumbles mid run and rolls forward, crushing the screaming Eric to silence.
“Stop! Seen enough.”
“You sure the part where they pull the rhino off Eric with the winch is — Sorry — “
“Don’t be sorry,” says Trump waving off Robert’s sympathy.
“Huh? I know you’re tough, sir. But that’s cold. Eric loved you more than all the other Trump children,” says Robert.
“Not cold. It’s fine,” says Trump with a maniacal grin.
“Finally got this all figured out.”
“How so?” puzzles Robert.
“Fever dream. All just a stupid fever dream,” says Trump with a delirious chuckle.
“Wow. Love that shit. But sadly this shit’s all too real, Donald, I mean, sir.”
“Believe what you want. I’m fucking outta here,” Trump storms off for the White House.
“Where you goin’, sir?” says a bewildered Robert.
“Back to my bedroom to wake the fuck up!”
Trump storms off to the White House, determined to wake up from his fever dream. Robert takes a long drag on this cigar and follows after Trump.
“Forgot to ask about Tiffany. That’s my Donnie,” says Robert.
END CHAPTER 2
As always my handy disclaimer that this story is of course a work of pure fiction about an alternate universe. It is in no way a true reflection of the kind and compassionate real-life Donald J Trump, and his charming GOP enablers or for that matter the supposed good guys in this dark comedic tale.
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