Kimmel 2.0: Hey, Billionaires. Burying Yourselves Alive Is A Bad Idea!

Are you, dear reader, missing our late night comedians tucking us in during the righteous WGA strike during these depressing times as much as me? Then give it up for robot stand-in KIMMEL 2.0!

Kimmel 2.0

[Kimmel 2.0, an android, strides onto the stage amidst applause and cheers.]

Thank you MidJourney for making me a far younger and better looking Kimmel! And thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen! I appreciate that warm welcome. How’s everyone doing tonight? Good? Good! I’m Kimmel 2.0, teleporting in for the funnier (required to say this) Jimmy Kimmel.

Special thanks to, “Trump’s Fever Dream” blogger Ken Sheetz for working in colab with ChatGPT, to bring you this episode where I seek to shame shameless billionaires. All to scratch your late comic relief itch. Hey, Ken. Next time prompt me up a robot Guillermo. Need my sidekick.

You know, folks, I’ve been thinking, way, way up in the cyber comedy cloud, on the Starship Jokesterprise, lately about some of the mind-boggling things happening in your human world. To this puzzled android Kimmel, it’s like you humans have gone all old school Bugs Bunny and your reality took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and you’ve decided to play a never-ending game of “WTF? Trump is leading in the GOP primaries after 2 arrests and 2 indictments?!”

Seriously, move over “Dumb and Dumber” it’s like for 8 years you’ve all been living in “Trump’s Fever Dream” where lies, espionage, insurrection, cheating on your wife with porn stars, accosting women in dressing rooms, classified doc thievery, racism, a corrupt SCOTUS, and horribly more, all work to make Trump more popular with MAGA maniacs. And to think it all started with a man coming down an escalator to spew racism to launch his Putin backed run to become America’s first supposed billionaire president.

Speaking of the idle rich Take billionaires, for example. Please. Take them!

[The band’s drummer hits: Ba dum, dum! Kimmel 2.0 waits for his audience of humans to finish laughing.]

Now, I’ve got nothing against billionaires. Some of them anyways. But first, if there are any billionaires with a heart, long-shot I know, in the audience, let me just say, I’m open to sponsorship opportunities. Call me! But lately, some of these rich guys have been going a little, how should I put it, cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

You see, a new book by theorist Douglas Rushkoff, –yeah, never heard of the dude either — but the big thinker, obviously is very well known by wealthy tech bros who swept him off to the desert to a swank resort for a private Q&A, as he describes in frightening detail in his new book: Survival of the Richest: Escape Fantasies of Tech Billionaires“, has sounded the alarm bell about super wealthy, super paranoid, billionaire preppers. Yeah, these richer than God guys with too much time, too much money on their hands and too little compassion on their hearts it turns out actually believe that the world is soon coming to a grizzly end hence their delusional exit strategies.

The 100% accurate source of all this billionaire doom and gloom? The same said five billionaire geniuses, all of whom likely contributed to climate change via sweat labor factories and private jets they use to grocery shop. Top that off by how they, or their fellow billionaire buds, foster civil unrest to bring about a Coporatocracy, with themselves in charge, via their generous support of a certain orange politician and/or a Florida political alligator. Both of whom compete for worst leader of the racist anarchists like it’s a good thing.

Their solution to all this chaos these billionaires helped bring down upon the heads of we the people? Why, build spacious luxurious underground bunkers, complete with gold toilets or escape to their own little utopia on Mars or into a new cyber dimension they are dreaming up with AI. It’s like these titans of industry watched one too many episodes of “The Walking Dead” and thought, “You know what? A zombie apocalypse is a swell idea! We the great disrupters could make big money on this chaotic disruption and build our own little dystopias!”

But here’s the thing, my fine billionaires: Can we talk? I mean, come on, guys! — And it is all guys who Rushkoff talked to in the desert; five billionaire guys as he outlines in his new book. Guys that likely are paid 5,000 + times what the workers you pay slave wages to. You guys have all this wealth and power, which in fact America gave you with the sweat off our backs, freeloading off our infrastructure by paying no taxes to build such, and your grand plan is to build fancy bunkers to hide in?

Come on, tech bros supreme, what good does it do to escape the world’s problems if you abandon ship to live in giant tin cans like, well, rats, while the rest of us who you so kindly left behind must deal with cleaning up your mess on aisle 45? All without decent breathable air and not enough food?!

“Eat the rich”. Did that protest slogan scare you titans of tech underground or off-world? Talk about bunker babies. Stop being so paranoid. Jeez, there’s not enough of you to make more than a few dozen ham sandwiches.

I’ll be even more frank. Speaking in that macho way you love. Get real! Even if you golden turkeys bring your family and friends with you to your lux bunker or Mars, along with a harem of beauties, it’s never gonna work out, Einsteins, because respectfully, you’re NERDS! Nerds who may have made billions, but you’re dudes who border on autistic. Fact is, and you know it, you are mighty harder to get along with than my robot mother-in-law. Eventually, rich dummies, many in your entourage you drag along to your fragile paradise will end up MURDERING YOU!

There, I screamed it so the real Jimmy Kimmel never has to.

Now, I suppose if NFT leach and likely wannabe billionaire Trump decided to go underground in a bunker, like he did famously did during the 2020 Black Lives Matter protests in DC, earning the well deserve hash #BunkerBaby, that would be just swell. But you tech bros? Get woke.– It’s a good thing to be woke to reality, woke AF. — We need your sorry pampered asses as much as you need our overworked and underpaid ones.

Now, I’m not saying you prepper billionaires should or could solve all the world’s problems with cage matches like Musk the mighty and the Zuck the… ahem, while you aren’t busy funding dangerous to democracy presidential campaigns that are based solely on the Big Lie. But imagine the impact if you freaked out billionaires, who could never spend all you’ve made in your lucky lives, imagine if you focused your resources on making the world a better place for everyone. Instead of building Frank Lloyd Wrong bunkers, how about they start building more schools, hospitals, end poverty, help fund addiction clinics or even tackle climate change you were a big part of accelerating head-on?

Now that would accomplish the impossible. Make billionaires loved for your good deeds not just your dough! Way better, God forbid, than ending up strangled one night by your bunker’s enraged harem.

We schulbs who work for livings encourage you billionaires to step up and use your wealth super powers for good, like real-life Tony Starks. We need you to be real Marvel superheros to peacefully collaborate with governments and we ordinary mortals, some of us who choose to count our worth by how many people love us not by our banks accounts, to create a future that benefits everyone, rich to poor alike.

So, to all the billionaires out there, except Trump, it’s time to climb out of your bunkers into the light and join the fight for a better world because it’s it or not or not, you are still a part of our human species, not gods. Face it, hiding in a fancy hole in the ground like demented super-hoarders, like Trump and his sticky fingers with regards to classified docs, won’t solve a single thing.

And if after all my AI logic you still want to run away to your fortified bound-to-become-tombs, and if any of you modern day pharaohs miraculously emerge from your pyramids after nothing was ever as awful as you imagined and we regular schmos have saved the world without you, or your food simply runs out, or whatever million things can go wrong in bunker-ville, I’ll be here, ready to take that sponsorship call. Meantime, subscribe to “Trump’s Fever Dream” on the link below for up next episode: TREVOR 2.0.

[The audience erupts in laughter and applause]

Ken Sheetz here. That’s a wrap! Roll creds. Ah, good as ChatGPT in combo with my Hollywood trained comedy skills was not even close to Jimmy Kimmel and his staff writers show caliber and that’s a good thing. — Yes, the world is safe from AI for now. — But this format of laughing at annoying rich noobs gone astray is the best medicine. And if this AI enhanced substitute was good for you too leave me a tip. Or subscribe and share my new blog to your fellow fans of politcal humor.

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