I wrote TRUMP’S BIG HANG UP shortly after the January 6th insurrection. Originally titled “Smoke & Mirrors” on the tall tale political scifi satire has left the Trump of another universe hanging as to his fate for 2 and a half years. Not out of any sense of malice. Rather after 5 years of Trump’s madness I enjoyed the first two years of Biden presidency like a vacation from madness. But seeing creepy Trump creeping his way back into the White House has inspired me to resume the TFD series with a brand new season 3, where you can learn Trump’s fate in the cliff hanger of all cliff hangers. *
We now join the alternate Trump universe where it is May 5th, 2021 and America is lost in deadly chaos.
Meanwhile one timeline away… when we last visited the alternate Trump universe,Trump’s harebrained insurrection succeeded in a wonky as hell overthrow of the rightful US government.
A gruesome house to house battle, dubbed The Blue Civil War, erupted to put the rightful President, Joe Biden, into the Oval office. And has so far cost 404,626 American lives, on top of the 3 million death count in the Covid that’s gone of control in the civil war.
Smoke billows on the White House lawn. Robert tosses Trump aboard Marine One and turns to give an insulate bow to the pissed off swat team.
“Fuck!” shouts the swat team leader who watches helplessly along with dozens of white soldiers as the chopper lifts off into the DC night sky… and EXPLODES!
Sirens blare as the fiery twisted wreckage Marine One crashes into the Washington Monument.
Meanwhile, 200 feet below the surface of Lake Michigan, amidst the floating bodies of the dead strategic bomber crew, a 24 hour countdown clocks lights up on the North Korean nuke.
Stars wheel over Lake Michigan. Sunrise shifts red to orange, making Trump more orange than usual. Water dowses Trump. He snaps to consciousness gasping for air and squints open his bloodshot eyes.
Robert tightens the ropes that bind the disheveled Trump to a tattered baby blue vinyl stacking chair. Robert stands before the dirt streaked picture window of the South Shore Yacht Club. He says, “Morning, Mr. Fake President.”
“Fuck you, Black Judas. This sure as hell ain’t heaven. So where the fuck am I?” says Trump, trying to sound tough while almost pissing his pants at the sight of three dozen heavily armed African American troopers surrounding him in the center of the fire damaged yacht club.
“About 30 miles east of the North Korean nuke, on the coast of the state you lost by 20,600 votes.”
“Wisconsin?”
“Agh!” says Robert imitating a game show buzzer. “Congratulations, SIR. You just admitted you lost Wisconsin on YouTube live to 80 million viewers!”
Everyone laughs, except the scowling Trump. One of soldiers waves his cell phone Camera at Trump, flashing the V for victory hand signal to the audience for an on camera moment.
“Last thing I remember was you tossing me into Marine One. And then — How’d you get me here?” demands Trump.
“Smoke and mirrors. Or, said another way none of your God Damn business, you ugly racist fucker,” growls Robert.
Playing good cop, Michelle Obama calmly takes a stacking chair. She faces the wet and rattled Trump to the excited mutterings of the troops. Michelle serenely says, “Donald, shame on you for calling tactical nuke strike on Kenosha.”
“You mean Geroge Floydland. That’s what you jungle bunnies renamed Kenosha,” says Trump, getting his racist freak on. “And I would never call a nuclear strike against the American people. That’s bullshit!”
“Play the video,” says Michelle, unable to hide the disgust in her face.
Video plays on on large screen television of Trump in the Oval office.
“My fellow, Trumptopians, in this vicious sneak attack, Blue forces led by the evil Barack Obama, murdered my… my brave boy Don Jr. in cold blood. This is personal now! Therefore, Obama the puppet master, and his puppet Biden, have left me no choice but to order, herewith, a tactical nuclear strike on George Floydland, formerly known as Kenosha Wisconsin,” says Trump on TV before his image freezes
“Ha! The problem with you communist ANTIFAs is you can’t tell a good deep fake video from the real thing. I’d never call in a nuclear strike on American soil, even in a traitorous Blue state,” says Trump.
The Black soldiers all boo. “Play nice, Donald. A lot of Barrack’s troops want to hang you from that yard arm right there, ” says Michelle pointing to a docked sail boat.
After the troops yelling calms Trump says. with a shit eating grin, “I’ll be 75 next month. Led an amazing life. The best life. You wanna make me a martyr for the Right? Go ahead.”
“Huh. Don’t you need a soul to be a martyr, Donald?” wisecracks Robert. The troops chuckle.
“Let’s cut to the chase. Our intelligence, from one of your loyal leakers, says you have the codes to disarm Kim’s nuke set to go off… ” Michelle checks her watch,”… in about 10 hours.”
“Suck my dick, you black bitch,” says Trump defiantly. One of the soldiers lunges for Trump and Robert shoves him back in line.
“I don’t do mushrooms. Give me the abort code right now and you walk.” says Michelle calmly to the laughs of the Robert and the troops.
“I’d rather die in the nuclear tsunami and take all of you fuckers with me,” bluffs Trump.
“So you acknowledge there is a bomb. That’s a start,” smiles Michelle victoriously to the applause of the troops.
Trump scowls as he says, ever the fast one on his feet conman, “Of course. But I didn’t put the nuke there!”
“Well, if you didn’t put the nuke down there who did, Donald?” says Michelle calmly.
Robert pipes up, “Save it, Madame Former First Lady. I already know what this orange motherfucker’s gonna say anyway.”
“Oh?” say Trump and Michelle in embarrassed unison.
“Madame –” says Robert.
“Michelle.” says Michelle.
“Michelle, this lying sack shit’s gonna say Barrack put the tickin’ nuke at the bottom of Lake Michigan,” says Robert.
“Black Bingo!” laughs Trump
“And why exactly would my love want to send a 200 foot tall radioactive tsunami to hit Milwaukee? Our strongest base in the Midwest? Why?”
‘Because the death of 1 million Milwaukeeans from would turn public sentiment against me!” gloats Trump.
“Donald, Donald, Donald. I think we learned years ago, under your illicit Russian-backed presidency, that there’s pretty much nothing you can do, including mass murder — like you did with your malicious and incompetent as hell handling of Covid, killing three million Americans and counting — that will ever turn your cult against you,” says Michelle to the sad mutterings of the Obama troops.
“I love all Americans. Even those deluded Blue states, says Trump turning on the charm to the boos of the troops. “Why I’ve done more for Black people than any president in history since Lincoln. Maybe ever including Lincoln!”
Robert backhands Trump mid-sentence, “Save it, Trump,” barks Robert. “We want the nuke abort code from your pen pal KIm Jung Fucking Un and we want it now!”
“You already have the codes because your Black despot dropped the nuke.” says Trump cockily.
A young female Black soldier takes aim at Trump’s head, “I can’t take his bullshit! Gotta waste this fat fuck!”
Robert stands between the soldier on Donald and says, “Put down the gun, kid.”
“Move aside, Colonel! Or I I swear to God I’ll shoot you to kill Cheetoh Jesus!”
“Colonel?” laughs Trump.
Robert ignores Trump and walks up the the soldier’s rifle muzzle. Robert lays his hand on AR-15 and pushes it down to point at the filthy blue carpet.
“Dummies. I’ll be rescued long before that nuke you planted ever goes off,” gushes Trump.
“You won’t be here that long, you dumb as fuck motherfucker,” says Robert pistol whips Trump, knocking him out cold.
A big sail boat glides from the Milwaukee shoreline, quickly vanishing in the distance. Aboard ship Trump squirms as a hangman’s noose is placed around his fat neck by Robert. “Give us the abort code and save your fat ass, Donnie,” whispers Robert.
“Ha! You’re bluffing! I know you, Robert! You’re bluffing!” shouts Trump.
“This is not one of our poker games I let you cheat at, Donald” says Robert.
“Ingrate. After all I did for you, you black mother fucker.”
“Ha. You never did a damn thing for me that wasn’t meant to help yourself, you pathetic loser. I am gonna enjoy watching the life choke out of you the way you let the life choke out of so many, including my grandma, Dr. Covid.”
“The codes and we sail you to a safe harbor, Mr. Former President,”says Michelle calm and cool as ever.
“Ha. You think you’re safe from my my fly boys out here, woman? Any second a Black Hawk’s going to come over the horizon and save me from you Black fools,” says Trump.
“Wong answer, Bozo. Ma’am let’s get this over with.” says Robert hitting Trump to the applause of the troops.
“Any last words, you orange devil?” says Michelle sadly.
“I won. Then election was a total fraud like you, you Black cunt,”Trump growls.
Michelle shakes her head sadly and walks below deck.
“That’s it?! That all you got, you worthless Nigger?!” bellows Trump.
Robert kicks Trump off the sailboat. Trump swings from the yardarm choking before the cheering Troops. He chokes the words, “Just a fever dream. I’ll be — ”
TO BE CONTINUED
As always my handy disclaimer that this story is of course a work of pure fiction about an alternate universe. It is in no way a true reflection of the kind and compassionate real-life Donald J Trump, and his charming GOP enablers or for that matter the supposed good guys in this dark comedic tale.
A big thanks to my wife Elizabeth England who played the Cosmic butterfly in early episodes and who takes on the important of Michelle Obama and the Black solider… for a fellow white person. Sorry we’re just doing scratch audio here. We will at some point, hopefully, get some great Black actors to replace us.
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*Spoiler Alert: Relax. This is Trump’s fever dream like the URL says. The unstoppable orange menace of another universe is OK and ready for an even more outrageous season 3 in Mar-A-Lago Prison. And of course only in another universe would an alternate version of Michelle Obama behave so harshly towards the man who is readying America for a blue wave in ’24.
