By Ken Sheetz & Elizabeth England
(Dispatch from Trump’s Fever Dream: Mar-a-Lago Prison)

It was a mellow detox morning here in Ventura. Elizabeth was zipped into our portable infrared sauna—parked neatly on our sectional couch like a sci-fi chrysalis—sweating out the plastics, politics, and processed fear that comes with living in a country on the verge of another Trumpocalypse.

Lincoln, our beloved Corgi/Chihuahua mix, was curled up next to the sauna tent, letting out one of his deep, philosophical sighs—the kind that says “Brace yourselves, the orange man is posting again.”

And sure enough…

TRUMP TRUTH-SOCIALS HIMSELF INTO A HOLE

This fresh Truth Social gem was still sizzling:

“The Epstein Indictments and “Files” were done and started in 2019, long after I left, and were written and planted by Crooked Joe Biden, Barack Hussein Obama, and Hillary Clinton – A total Fake, just like Russia, Russia, Russia, Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine, FISA, FISA, FISA, and the 51 Intelligence Agents, who all LIED to help Crooked Joe get elected. Don’t believe the FAKE NEWS. I did NOTHING WRONG!!!”

Yes. You read that right. Trump is now claiming the Epstein files were written by a Presidential tag team of Obama, Hillary, and Biden. It’s as though Trump demands we believe Epstein was merely some deep state fan fiction scribbled on a pizza box using Hunter’s lost laptop.  Abracadabra!

THE BROSPHERE BREAKS DOWN

The brosphere—once a red-capped echo chamber of manly grunts—is now in full collapse:

• Alex Jones sobbed into a jar of testosterone gummies.
• Steve Bannon went full zombie.
• Joe Rogan allegedly tried to interview his own biceps for answers.
• Dan Bongino threatened to resign mid-podcast, citing “a total breakdown of the patriot matrix.”
• Even Jordan Peterson briefly blinked out of existence in a puff of carnivore diet ash.

THE GOP RESPONSE: ‘UNSUBSCRIBE’

As this digital scream echoed through the feed:

• Lindsey Graham issued a statement from under a hotel mini-bar fridge.
• Elise Stefanik shifted to blaming “Woke Barbie.”
• Ron DeSantis was unavailable for comment—possibly busy running his concentration camp.

OUR DOG LINCOLN WEIGHS IN

Back in the sauna bubble, Elizabeth unzipped the flap just enough for Lincoln to nose his way in.

He sniffed the warm air. Another long, slow sigh.

Elizabeth interpreted:

“He says this is what happens when you skip impeachment and go straight to reruns.”

We nodded, letting the sweat do its thing. Not just toxins. Not just microplastics.
We were releasing the madness—one drip at a time.

SANITY TIP: INFRARED SAUNA + NEUROPHONE

We can’t truly care for the plight of migrants if we’re overwhelmed ourselves. Just like on a flight, you’re told to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others—because without first grounding and restoring ourselves, we risk burning out before we can be of real help. So if you’re wondering how we stay centered in this increasingly unhinged reality where ICE raids are happening to only few miles from our home—our infrared sauna helps, sure. But what really keeps our heads on straight is the Neurophone, a brilliant meditation enhancer invented by our late friend Dr. Patrick Flanagan.

We use it both in and out of the sauna to calm our nervous systems and reclaim our focus in a world spinning faster than Trump’s legal defense.

We don’t sell saunas at CoolestTechEver.com, but we do offer the Neurophone and other beautifully weird tools to help you stay sane

EPILOGUE FROM THE FUTURE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN

We all know it’s getting weirder each day out there.
But if you’re ever craving a breather—just a few minutes in a universe where Trump never took power…
Where there was no “Big Beautiful Bill”…
No Mar-a-Lago dystopia…
No Epstein reality denial tour…

👉 Just click the pull-down menu at the top of the page for “Mar-a-Lago Prison” and step into our alternate universe—one fever dream away from this one.💊 Because satire is a great tool for fighting fear.
🙏 Donate if you dig it.